Wednesday, March 05, 2014

making confessions and admitting defeat

I'm not well. I haven't been well for a long time. It's a stupid kind of not well. Even i think so. I am not being sick, i have not grown a new head or lost a limb, i doubt i will die anytime soon. But i am unwell all the same, and ready to tell people instead of hiding it. Maybe i am ready to share because i am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, it's shinning pretty bright right now. That illness is fatigue. Well at least it began being apparent as fatigue.It began after i had Spud (ten years ago now) The health visitor was convinced i had postnatal depression, in fact she claimed i was the worst she had seen, and the doctor gave me a course of antidepressants, though i told them over and over i was not unhappy, infact very happy, i just couldn't bring myself to 'do' anything. I didn't want to curl up in a ball and cry, i wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. After that one course i didn't take anymore, they didn't do anything. That was the start, it wasn't bad then, and i could carry on with the nagging feeling to sit down. But it has got worse through the years, and picked up more symptoms, or perhaps the symptoms have gotten worse and so i am more aware of them. The years have brought some tears, and i have felt frustration, embarrassment, shame. I have gone from a very organized person to someone that rests amongst chaos. I do the very least i can, sometimes even the washing up is too much.
I have at last found a doctor that seems to want to help, instead of looking at me suspiciously (one doctor even rolled their eyes at me). Maybe he listened because by this point I had started to lose my hair too, i don't know. But he has said he is on this journey with me now to  make me feel better. And, he noticed something out of place in my blood test that has began me along a road that could well be that journey. My folic acid was deficient. I eat large amount of veg and fruit and all things that contain folic acid, so this made no sense. He had me eat even more and tested again, still deficient. This has got me looking into folic acid and it's 'sister' vitamin B12. My doctor is not convinced yet (as in the uk you have to be very deficient of B12 before the NHS will explore and medicate) but he has given me a lovely huge dose of folic acid, ten times more than i can get over the counter. But B12 i can get over the counter in a high dose, and so i have. 5mg which i take twice a day under my tongue (incase i am not absorbing well in my stomach i might at least get some from under my tongue). I have been taking it for a month now and i have seen huge improvements. Within two days my chest pains had all gone, i can get out of bed in the morning without Outtake dragging me, my skin has completely cleared of both spots and dry skin, no headaches (which i was having daily), no ringing in my ears, my muscles do not fatigue as quick, pins and needles have lessened. I started taking folic acid a week ago and noted even more improvements. Folic acid has acted just like i would imagine a antidepressant would and i have spent the days smiling. I feel so optimistic and excited, it's great!!! I made it through a period with 0 pmt or pms! I have even had relief from conditions that have always bothered me. Like migraines, i have never had a period without a migraine ever, yet this time nothing, not even a hint. So much has changed, I feel like shouting to the world how beautiful everything is.
Only one down side. Ten years worth of mess and chaos i feel i want to fix. The whole house is now upside down as i tackle it and get my organized groove back on.
Oh i so pray this is it. I want to be well for my husband, children, dogs, home and me.


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